58 lines
2.9 KiB
Markdown
58 lines
2.9 KiB
Markdown
|
---
|
||
|
|
title: "When_easy_going_isnt_easy"
|
||
|
|
date: 2023-09-08T10:02:55-06:00
|
||
|
|
draft: true
|
||
|
|
tags: ['personality', 'mental health', 'advice']
|
||
|
|
summary: 'My people-pleasing brain demands smooth sailing waters, often at the cost of the *******'
|
||
|
|
tocOpen: true
|
||
|
|
cover:
|
||
|
|
image: "/images/img.jpg"
|
||
|
|
# can also paste direct link from external site
|
||
|
|
# ex. https://i.ibb.co/K0HVPBd/paper-mod-profilemode.png
|
||
|
|
alt: ""
|
||
|
|
caption: ""
|
||
|
|
relative: false
|
||
|
|
---
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
# Easy Doesn't Equal Right
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I was sitting in the train,
|
||
|
|
watching someone across the aisle from me struggle to wrangle their electric scooter under their
|
||
|
|
seat. This person had a stainless steel insulated mug with what appeared to be a warm muddied
|
||
|
|
liquid inside. She placed it in the walkway, but I saw immediatly that the butt of her scooter
|
||
|
|
would shortly bump into the cup with any further scooter-scuffling. So, to avoid a muddy train,
|
||
|
|
I scooped up her mug and held it dutifully until the scooter sorting finished.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Thank you" She said.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Me, wanting to assure her that it was really no inconvenience at all, that she shouldn't have to
|
||
|
|
worry about returning any favors, that it was just the right thing to do, I replied "No problem"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
My brain has a strong people-pleaser mode network; its often the default way I handle social
|
||
|
|
situations. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But, I do think that its important
|
||
|
|
to be aware of the consequences of how we tend to handle things. This became apparent during a
|
||
|
|
conversation with family members.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
## Family Dynamics
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I will try to find the right words to explain the dynamic here, but my lack of professional
|
||
|
|
psycology training may lead me use incorrect vocabulary, so allow me to start with a blank slate.
|
||
|
|
My family is comprised of mostly emotionally low personalities. By low emotion I dont mean non-feeling
|
||
|
|
I mean behaviors common to people not as empathetic, like speaking before thinking, teasing (in
|
||
|
|
good faith), avoiding confrontation, making positive assumptions of others. However, there are
|
||
|
|
a few emotionally high personalities (I married one, love you ;) ), with behaviors like deeply
|
||
|
|
feeling, not assuming the best intention, thinking before speaking. These aren't necessarily hard lines,
|
||
|
|
and no one is entirely one or the other. Also, I did not illustrate all of the differences, but
|
||
|
|
hopefully enough just to see the big picture. I mostly just want to draw the distinction when it
|
||
|
|
comes to the easy going ethic.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
## Akuna Matada Gas Lighting
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
With much of the family exhibiting an air of ease and light-heartedness, it became clear to me that
|
||
|
|
saying "No Worries" can invalidate the very real feelings and reactions of the emotionally high
|
||
|
|
people in the group. For example, I could say something meant in jest, a light jab of some flaw we
|
||
|
|
all recognize. In an emotionally high personality however, this can seem like an attack. Everyone
|
||
|
|
laughs, but for the teased person, their internal defense systems are blairing to elevate to DEFCON 1
|
||
|
|
and fire up the shield generators.
|
||
|
|
|