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+---
+title: "When Easy Going Isnt Easy"
+date: 2023-09-08T10:02:55-06:00
+last-mod: 2023-09-08T10:02:55-06:00
+type: 'post'
+tags: ['personality', 'mental health', 'advice']
+description: 'My people-pleasing brain demands smooth sailing waters, often at the cost of the emotionally sensitive.'
+showTableOfContents: true
+weight: 2
+---
+
+# Easy Doesn't Equal Right
+
+I was sitting in the train,
+watching someone across the aisle from me struggle to wrangle their electric scooter under their
+seat. This person had a stainless steel insulated mug with what appeared to be a warm muddied
+liquid inside. She placed it in the walkway, but I saw immediatly that the butt of her scooter
+would shortly bump into the cup with any further scooter-scuffling. So, to avoid a muddy train,
+I scooped up her mug and held it dutifully until the scooter sorting finished.
+
+"Thank you" She said.
+
+Me, wanting to assure her that it was really no inconvenience at all, that she shouldn't have to
+worry about returning any favors, that it was just the right thing to do, I replied "No problem"
+
+My brain has a strong people-pleaser mode network; its often the default way I handle social
+situations. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But, I do think that its important
+to be aware of the consequences of how we tend to handle things. This became apparent during a 
+conversation with family members.
+
+## Family Dynamics
+
+I will try to find the right words to explain the dynamic here, but my lack of professional
+psycology training may lead me use incorrect vocabulary, so allow me to start with a blank slate.
+My family is comprised of mostly emotionally low personalities. By low emotion I dont mean non-feeling
+I mean behaviors common to people not as empathetic, like speaking before thinking, teasing (in
+good faith), avoiding confrontation, making positive assumptions of others. However, there are
+a few emotionally high personalities (I married one, love you ;) ), with behaviors like deeply
+feeling, not assuming the best intention, thinking before speaking. These aren't necessarily hard lines,
+and no one is entirely one or the other. Also, I did not illustrate all of the differences, but
+hopefully enough just to see the big picture. I mostly just want to draw the distinction when it
+comes to the easy going ethic.
+
+## Akuna Matada Gas Lighting
+
+With much of the family exhibiting an air of ease and light-heartedness, it became clear to me that
+saying "No Worries" can invalidate the very real feelings and reactions of the emotionally high
+people in the group. For example, I could say something meant in jest, a light jab of some flaw we
+all recognize. In an emotionally high personality however, this can seem like an attack. Everyone
+laughs, but for the teased person, their internal defense systems are blairing to elevate to DEFCON 1
+and fire up the shield generators. On seeing that I have made a mistake, I quickly reverse gears and
+attempt to extinguish the fire. I reassure the emotionally high
+person that there isnt any problem to worry about, it was just a tease. This, can inadvertendly tell this wonderful human
+being that the feelings they are having are unecessary and wrong. I coined this
+interaction Akuna Matada Gas Lighting, it means no worries, the feelings you have aren't real (goes with the tune even).
+
+I intend this post mostly for myself, in self reflection and puting my thoughts to words I feel like
+the things I learn become more concrete. But, if it helps anyone like myself take a deeper introspective
+look, then thats hopefully good too!
+